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My new blog: Fly on the Wall

VIOLATION

VIOLATION

She dreaded this moment everyday. Her heart would beat against her chest as though wishing for the passing moments to stop. Her brows would scrunch up in nervousness and some unseen agony would haunt her petite frame as she battled with the demons of her life- alone…

Everyday when the clock would strike six, her mind would get clouded and her thoughts- disarrayed. Sometimes, the dim orange glow of the sunset outside would filter in through the blinds of her cabin and make her even more flustered. She always thought of it as some cruel joke of nature. She felt betrayed by the Gods that her mother had so piously prayed to. She felt as though they stood in the sidelines like meek spectators, watching it all unfold, too petrified to intervene.

She often thought of putting an end to the facade but somehow always decided against it. She knew she was a fighter. Yet, she never had fought back. No matter how desperately she wished for the pain to stop, no matter how hard she screamed, all she ever heard back was the deafening silence. She knew that the moment she would would enter her apartment, heavy moans and anguished screams would be the only sounds resonating against the bare walls.

Pushing these thoughts to the farthest corners of her mind, she began the long walk home. She knew well enough that just two left turns and a thin wooden door separated her from her perpetrator and that there was nothing she could do about it.

She knew what happened everyday. She had memorized the ritual by now…how she would venture home through the familiar roads…how he would greet her with a sardonic smile…the way she would shrink to the farthest corner of the room in a desperate attempt to escape from her boyfriend of two years…how a million thoughts would be running through her head as she clutched her sides while he repeatedly kicked her till she would hear something break. It would usually be a rib, maybe two but how she wished for it to be her heart instead! After all, it was the one thing that kept her attached to her own personal purgatory. If only it would stop beating and stay still till the life drained from her battered body…how she wished to be free.

But freedom was a distant dream. She knew well enough how the night would end. Once, he would get tired of hitting her, he would probably take a shower to rid himself of the sweat that had found its temporary refuge at the corners of his furrowed brow while she lay there like a lifeless heap- bruised, battered and broken.

It was during such moments of wishful paralysis, both physical and emotional, that she would reflect upon what went wrong… she never could figure out how her loving, caring angel had turned into this…this demon!

The man whom she had given her heart now treated her like his own personal slave…his permanent whore. Initially, she felt that she must have done something to instigate his brutish rage but eventually, she gave up.

She had tried running from this hell. Not once, not twice but seventeen times! But he would  find her. He always did. He considered it to be their own little game of peek-a-boo. Once he found her, he would drag her back to his lair while she howled like a battered animal begging for mercy and shove her into the bedroom till her tears dried and her cries reduced to inaudible sobs.

She knew she couldn’t go to the police for he would always blackmail her with videos of their bedroom trysts which he had recorded without her knowledge. Neither could she leave the city for he had made sure that she was penniless. Her only respite from it all were the eight hours that she spent in the office. Sometimes she wished to call someone and tell them her story but the bastard didn’t even give her a cell phone! The son of a…

Her reverie was broken as she heard footsteps approaching her from the bathroom. He grabbed her frail wrist with a force that sent jolts of pain down her arm and brusquely dragged her into the bedroom. She knew what would happen next…she always did. It happened every day yet, she wished to scream at the top of her lungs till someone would hear her and come to her rescue. But like always, she never actually did. Instead, all she could manage was an inaudible, “Please…”.

He smirked as he saw her eyes clench shut and her lips move in inaudible cries of mercy as he stripped her off her dignity and reveled in the glory of his brutalities. He traced a finger down her swollen lip which had a deep gash from where he had slapped her earlier in the evening while he forced his way with her…again!

After an hour of abusing the breathing but emotionless corpse, he left her to stare at the ceiling. She felt dirty, abused and most of all, violated.

She knew that no matter how much she scrubbed herself in the shower, she would still be able to feel his lecherous fingers graze against her body, groping her savagely while her hear would explode into a million tiny pieces that would wither and die at every sickening touch.

She also knew that there was nothing she could do about it. She knew that she didn’t deserve this. She knew that she was a prisoner in her own home. She knew that waiting for help was pointless. She had probably known the last bit for quite some time now. Probably, the only reason she had never retaliated was because she had some speck of hope left…hope that he would change…hope that it was a passing phase…hope that somewhere in that demonic debauchery, there lived a guy who still loved her.

But today, she had lost that hope. She had no more illusions. Today, she knew that she would end the pain once and for all. She thought about how it would feel to die. How would she feel once she attained salvation from this purgatory?

She made her way to the kitchen where he sat munching on his ready to eat dinner, reading his newspaper while he acted as though nothing had happened. Her fingers traced the edges of the kitchen knife and she relished the feel of the cool metal against her skin. She wondered what would it feel like if the blade broke through the skin, slicing the major veins and arteries…would it be fatal? Oh, how she wished so!

She had made up her mind. She would end it. She had to end it. It was the only way…then she would be free from the clutches of this evil man forever.

She smiled as she lifted the knife and thrust it through the heart with all her might. A faint scream escaped her lips and then she felt numb. She heard him drop his dinner as he looked at her through eyes wide open. The blood trickled on the hardwood floor as the now limp body sank to the ground while he stared in shock. She looked at her hands and then to him. Next, she looked at knife plunged in his heart while he lay in a pool of blood- motionless and dead.

After what seemed like ages, she smiled…the same sardonic smile he used to give her only this time, she was the one who had avenged her violation.

DOOMED

And I knew I was doomed when it took me every ounce of strength to stop myself from running into your arms- your safe, strong arms. The way I had to tear my gaze away from you lest I should do something I’d regret. How I had to resist the temptation of snuggling against you every time you came over to comfort me…If only I could inhale your warmth everyday and live knowing that you were the one true love for me, I would sing to the birds and trees and stars that my wish had been granted.

But baby, I was doomed! From the way my breath would get hitched in my throat every time your oh-so-loving fingers brushed against my cheek to how your eyes would glaze over when our fingers intertwined in perfect harmony and everything else ceased to exist and that was when I knew it.

I know whatever we have, or rather had, cannot be labeled…it cannot be measured. If I could quantify all my love for you in fervent kisses, believe me, it would take all of eternity! Yet, I know what we had was real…it was true. It wasn’t just a mundane fling or a hot and heavy make-out session. Neither can it be called an escape from reality. It was something more…It was a lot more. It was pure. It was pristine. It was a force so divine that our love shone in the darkest of days and exuded a certain mystique that only the passionate are endowed with. But baby, we weren’t meant to be.

Don’t get me wrong. You were always the one for me. You meant everything to me! You still do. You, my dear, were my first love.

Even today, I find it hard to imagine a future without you…without your tingling kisses and the sanctuary of your arms. A future where I won’t wake up with my face nuzzled against the crook of your neck while you stroke my hair, promising to be my dork in tinfoil armour. It is even harder to imagine the fact that there would be no cute cottage with a white picket fence where our dozen dogs would chase each other along with our children playing in the yard.

Today, when I look back to what we had, the sudden pain in my chest reminds me of why we couldn’t last. When I see you returning from war, she is still the one who you hold in your arms while I stand in the shadows.

It is not your fault. It isn’t mine either. This is just how it was supposed to end.

I know that you love her. I also know that you love me more. If at all, it is some solace that you remember me. Even when you kiss her, you search the crowd with hopeful eyes, wishing, wanting, willing for me to be there instead.

But darling, it was only so long that we could be together. Only so long could we burn brighter than the sun. Only so long…

I guess you know how it still takes me every ounce of strength to stop myself from running into your arms…from smothering you with kisses that I have kept bolted inside of me…from letting the love be known amidst my freely falling tears.

I wish it didn’t have to end like this. I wish we could still gaze at the stars with my head on your chest and your arms around me, our hearts beating rhythmically with the gushing stream and chirping crickets while you told me how much I meant to you…How our love could conquer it all.

But then again, we never could make it. After all, they were stolen moments…moments of absolute peace and loving tranquility but they were stolen, nonetheless. Stolen from the vaults of honesty and faith. We both cheated. They didn’t deserve it…it was unfair to them- both of them. He didn’t deserve it and neither did she.

I know we happened for a reason but baby, we were still a flaw. We were as real as we could be but baby, it was still a lie. ‘We’ were still a lie. Oh, how I wish I had met you before I met him or that you had met me before you met her but what can I say…They’re just wishes. Pointless and hurtful.

I couldn’t do it. You couldn’t do it.

He was your brother and she was my sister. It would take a lot more than pure, purging love and a shitload of luck to get out of that mess!

We still steal glances when we think no one’s looking…we still sense the warmth and desire carefully hidden in those polite greetings and lazy goodbyes. That “want” is etched on our faces all too clearly, yet, they’re oblivious to it. It is, after all, our secret! Correction. It was our secret. Now it is nothing but a series of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘would-haves’.

It is regret and mischance. It is a facade nursing two broken hearts. It is the past…glorious, loving, passionate and wrong. What we did, What happened between us, our lies- our terrible, terrible lies…it was all wrong.

But we were both damaged and hurting. I was the hurricane and you were the tornado. We met, we happened and destruction danced in its devilish glory for that brief moment in time. Then it was over. Once again, all was silent. Calm. Serene. But it left in its wake two star crossed lovers who had crashed and burned. Two of a kind. Two who weren’t meant to be. Two who had, after all, been doomed from the start.

That, my dearest love, is how we have ended. I hope you make her happy. I hope I can give whatever pieces of my heart I have left, to him. I hope that we can correct our mistakes. Oh, how I hope…

This lifetime wasn’t enough but I promise you baby, the next one shall be ours from the start. The next one shall ensure the white picket fence and the dozen dogs and the little cottage coupled with a love that has stood firm through the lashes of Time…purer…cleaner…pristine. The next one shall be ours. Only ours. Yours and mine…till forever ends!

TILL FOREVER ENDS

The night was cold and wet and dark…made of neon and alcohol and bright lights. It was like any other night.A night with prostitutes and drunkards and sleazy guys smoking outside the bar-smoke so dense that you couldn’t distinguish it from the fog and wisps of mist, the sweat reeking dance floor and the people mindlessly swaying away to the equally senseless beat-as though in a trance.The narrow corridors were filled with people making out-hot and heavy, while some even fucked in alleys behind the bar and woke up the next pointless morning and stumbled headlong into their equally useless life with another disease dormant in their already abused bodies.

But the night was still young, still full of greed and want and lust alongwith semi-digested beer splattered across the floor and familiar faces passed out by the door…it was still neon and booze and bright lights but i wasn’t the same.

I was downing my sixth beer, wondering whether the whole world was still contentedly living in an intricately fabricated lie? One big happy family of plastic smiles and blackened hearts and rape and suicide!

My thoughts disarrayed and my head buzzing, i called out to the bartender, “Another one…keep ’em coming tonight”.

My eyes scanned the room for those familiar eyes…eyes that would wash away all my pain, eyes in whom i could drown myself and attain salvation, eyes which made my heart flip and my chest heave whenever they caught my gaze…but they weren’t coming tonight…they weren’t coming ever again…

My buzzing head dizzily traced its way back to that night, tactfully hidden in the pages of my memory like pressed flowers.

No!

I didn’t want to be thinking about it…especially after my sixth beer!

I cradled my head in my hands as random events flashed before my eyes out of their own accord…

His proposal in the park…our passionate kisses that followed which always made me go weak in the knees…his breakdown after losing his mother to cancer…my feeble attempts to console the distraught boy with his head in my lap…our confessions of love…our meaningless arguments…our moonlit walks…our ‘first times’ together…his tear stained letters which he insisted on writing from college…his beautiful face and the sanctuary of his arms around me that would wash away all my woes and the world would become the masquerade ball of frilly pink gowns and smiles and thick sugary coating on light fluffy cakes…and oh! Those eyes! Those deep dark brown, mysterious eyes that made everything better on merely holding my gaze…those deep brown eyes that made my heart melt…those deep brown, cold, lifeless eyes- wide open and staring into the beyond, now broke my heart!

And suddenly, all i could see was that night…it was him and me, like a thousand times before. Driving down that dark, desolate road when a speeding truck came out of nowhere and ripped half my heart away from me…forever.

They say he died instantly from the collision…they say i miraculously survived…that i was in a coma for over a week but i know what truly happened! I know how the blood was mixing with the rain water in a puddle on the asphalt…how he held my gaze for the last time and mouthed, ‘i love you, babe!’…how i sobbed and held his hand in mine and how that blood curdling scream broke through the deafening silence of the night!

But they say he was dead…that i was the one screaming…that i refused to let go of his lifeless hand…that i suffered from shock and trauma…

But i know what it was. I know how i felt. It wasn’t trauma…it was the feeling of my soul being ripped out…being shattered into a million pieces and then being fed to the phantoms of the night!

That night i lost everything. But the memories don’t let me escape…no matter how tightly i clasp my hands across my ears, that blood curdling scream always pierces through my carefully built walls…

It’s unfair. He promised to stay by my side-forever! He never broke his promises! Yet, he broke this one…

The dark, dim lights and the semi-digested beer came into view again…this time i stumbled out into the street with just one thought, “Baby, we’ll be together…just like you said…together-forever!”
With that i stood in the middle of the street as the speeding car became my salvation…the neon lights, the cigarette smoke, the fucked up alleys- all faded into oblivion.

Just the bright light, the blinding whites, the deafening crash and then the everlasting silence followed by his sweet, serene voice, “You came!?”

“I told you, i would…”, i replied as tears dripped down my face.

“shh…i’m here now…we’re together…that’s what matters…”, he said taking me in his strong arms.

With that i took my last jagged breath, my soul finally being released into infinity with the one! And the night must’ve been cold and dark and wet but all that was left to witness it was my body- my cold, lifeless, bleeding, dead body.

Welcome! :)

Hello my lovelies…

If you’ve read my profile description, you’ll know that I am an avid reader and prolific writer. If not, well, then I guess I just told you. 🙂 So here’s the thing. I’m going to try and keep you guys posted with new stories and blogs. This is essentially going to be a creative writing blog (with occasional rants, come on, I’m human!) and it would be simply splendid if you people could give some suggestions and comments on my writing. Thanks. You’re awesome! cheers! 🙂

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